What makes you a writer?
Late night thoughts
In My Room is about my existential thoughts, you guessed it — in my room. Here, I share my ideas and questions about identity, personal style, relationships, and mental health. I’m taking these thoughts and putting them online so that maybe someone somewhere in their room feels a little less lonely on their journey, too.
It’s almost 1 am and I can’t sleep, so naturally, I go on my phone. It’s times like these when I contemplate going back on Instagram. I imagine sharing outfit pics and random cutesy photos and best of all— not following anyone back.
But c’mon, who do I think I am? Not following anyone back. I’m too much of a people-pleaser to really go through with that. I worry that I’ll go back to my old ways and add another anxiety-inducing thing to my life.
In October of 2023, after many Instagram “breaks” and “detoxes”, I decided that I was really going to delete my account for good. I was fed up with the pressure of staying relevant and tired of fake connections. I’m only speaking from personal experience, I don’t think not having any social media makes someone better than anyone else. God knows I’ve replaced one vice with another (looking at you YouTube). At the time, I longed for a more intentional way of spending my time and wanted to really nurture the relationships closest to me.
I can confidently say that deleting my Instagram account has given me a lot of peace. I’ve also gained a lot of time back. I don’t know what all of the people I once followed are up to, and that’s probably for the best. I’m not endlessly looking through three of the same photos of myself trying to decide which one makes me look the most attractive. I agree to experiences and plans for the sake of enjoyment and not for the online content that will result from them.
There is one thing that I gave up and I’m still not sure how I feel about it— the promoting of my writing. Before deleting my Instagram account, I would convince myself to stay on the platform by reminding me that it was my biggest way of promoting my work. Although I didn’t have a huge following (almost 2K followers), it was still how I was able to connect with other creatives I look up to.
Coincidently, I haven’t had any writing published since around the same time I left Instagram. If you know me, you know that having articles of mine published was a dream come true. It allowed me to hold my head high when I called myself a writer. Of course, just because I haven’t had any work published doesn’t mean I’ve stopped writing completely. I still journal every now and then and I love writing here, on my Substack. However, I feel pretty irrelevant as a writer now. Would people still read my work? Do they remember me? Do they still care about what I have to say? Would they support me if I completely self-publish? Am I still a writer?
The reality is, I can always have my work published again if it’s something I really wanted. I know this, deep down. But I think I have to face the reality that maybe that’s a dream that has run its course. Perhaps my journey as a writer is taking a new route and that’s OK. I love sharing my thoughts in my raw, unedited voice. I need to strengthen my voice again, the one that lights a fire in me. The one that weaves words together in a way that helps others feel seen.
I don’t want to write for visibility or for clout. I want to write so that I can release and discover at the same time. I want to write for the younger versions of me, and for the older ones too. I’m a writer not because I write. I’m a writer because I have no other choice but to be one.
I may one day return to Instagram; I really don’t know. I think I need to really sit with this discomfort I’m feeling and ask figure out what it is I’m truly missing. To return to it wouldn’t be a failure and there’s also no reward for remaining off of it. My decision has to align with who I am and what’s important to me.
Right now that’s spending time with Leila and watching her marvel at the world around her. It’s going to comedy shows and having full belly laughs with people I love. It’s taking photos of moments I want to remember. It’s living life as it’s happening in front of me.
Thanks for reading my newsletter. I hope you’ll stick around for more. If someone you know will enjoy this, please share it with them. Besos!